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I think this sums my thoughts up on the subject today!
“Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die”
The Democracy Of A Family Part 3
December 2, 2009 · 2 Comments
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For Part 2 of this topic click here
The democratic style of parenting, and I’m not talking about the political party, is not sound parenting. Some things are not up for a vote or discussion. In no way am I advocating abuse or unreasonable behavior we all know everything can become extreme. Let me give you an example of what I am talking about. Tonight I am fixing lasagna for dinner. I didn’t consult anyone, I am in charge of that area of our household and so I made a decision. Now, let’s say one of my kids gets upset and decides that tonight they don’t want to eat lasagna. That is totally fine with me. You don’t have to eat lasagna if you don’t want to but I am not making something else to eat. They can make a sandwich, eat leftovers whatever. There is no vote here. Many of you would say that is harsh but honestly, that is life. What do I teach when I coddle a whim and fix a different meal for each person? Yes, sometimes I will ask what everyone would like to eat but not often. I’ve been given a task and I do it well. I know what my family likes and what they don’t and I would never purposefully make something they didn’t like to eat. See it starts with these small, seemingly insignificant processes.
When a boss says that she needs something done and I don’t feel like doing it then if I’ve been trained in a democracy I will simply decide not to do it and let her know I don’t feel this is a task for me and require her to give me something else to do. If I do that often enough, I will get fired. If I get fired I will be the victim but only in my mind, because I was taught that people move for me, I don’t move for people. See no boundary was established and no sense of team playing was established because in a democracy when I don’t like something I not only vocally say so I also vote it out. Only that’s not real life is it?
We are doing a big disservice to our children by not teaching them that they have responsibilities that lie squarely on their shoulders and that one day they will have to rule their own life. My daughter Casey was recently invited to her boyfriend’s summer home with his family. She said that his mother complimented her on her upbringing. We might ask why this was a shock to his mother but I think we all know that manners are a much sought after commodity. She told Casey that she was a woman who was well-mannered and helpful and she didn’t see that very often these days. Casey had been nervous about going but her training served her well.
Casey laughed when I reminded her of all the times she was angry with me because I corrected her manners and made her clean up whether she “felt” like it or not. Casey used to say to me as a little girl, “I’m like Cinderella around here.” She was always a bit dramatic. She gave me a really hard time always questioning why she had to do things that her friends did not. Every single Saturday morning we got up early and did family chores. She hated it and voiced her complaints each time. We’d get all the chores done by noon and then spend the afternoon doing family things like swimming in the pool or going to the movies or shopping or whatever but we got our work out of the way first. It wasn’t up for a vote though. It was clearly established. Now years later she told me it was the best thing for her. She said it’s her best memory of family time and taught her about getting priorities out of the way, working together to get things done and then having your fun with nothing over your head.
Parents, don’t be afraid to set order. I am convinced without a shadow of a doubt that those who order their lives are happier than those who live their lives in chaos. Those who see a monarchy for what it is, a set order of relationship and responsibility do better than those who are continually striving to overthrow the government of a house by a vote.
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The Democracy Of A Family Part 2
December 1, 2009 · 2 Comments
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Yesterday we began talking about the biblical model of a family.
In a nutshell, the mandate on parenting is pretty simple. You, who are parents, were given a mission by God. That mission was to raise up a child from birth to 18 or so. When I say or so I don’t mean 30. In those 18 years you are to teach them to one day inherit their own throne, in other words, their own home, job and material possessions and family. They are to rule in the image of God and take dominion and subdue the earth (Genesis 1:27-28). In Jewish tradition the age is lowered to 13. At 13 a boy becomes a man and by then he is expected to know and have acquired the education of what is expected of him in honoring his faith and the commandments of the Lord as a man. The last five years are spent discovering his character as a man. With two children up and out I can tell you that time flies and that you must start early.
The problem is that we are waiting much too long to teach or we are not teaching at all the virtue that is going to be required of a king or a queen of their own domain. So our kids go off to college and they don’t know what to do. Many can’t do laundry, balance a checkbook, budget, cook, keep a job or study on their own. They don’t know basic things about modesty, things like their bodies being precious gifts and that a reputation is to be guarded. In listening recently to a former college dean he says that parents would send their children off to college with a set amount of money for the semester. That child would spend the money within weeks and then come to see him when book fees or lab fees were overdue looking for a bail out. Instead of taking their children back home for more training the parents would send more money. The only thing is, money doesn’t fix a lack of preparation and pretty soon the reckless behavior shows up in other places like drugs and alcohol and other bad behavior. The child was not prepared and the fault lies squarely, in most cases, but not all, on the parents lack of training in these areas. Let’s face it, you know your child and you know if they can handle adult life on their own or not. It doesn’t really seem fair to throw a kid, regardless of age, into a situation they have not been prepared to handle.
So instead of teaching your children to rule their own life, parents instead are teaching their children to be a prince or princess for the rest of their life. In other words, the parents will always be responsible for the children. Some parents have 30 year old children at home without steady jobs just living off of their parents. Some parents have children who are married with children and have never left home.
Parents were never given the task to control their children’s lives forever. Eventually they are to set up their own homes independent of you and live their own lives. I have friends whose children are grown with children of their own. These friends have bought every car their children have driven, their homes, pay their cable and cell phone bills and insurance, babysit on a regular basis and well you get the picture. They have raised their children to be a prince with no idea how to be a king. I don’t even know if they realize the fact that their need to control their children is so great that they have made them servants or slaves instead of royalty.
The reason why this is a disservice is that these parents will more than likely not out-live their children. At one point in that child’s life the responsibility will shift and they won’t know what to do with it. They are setting up their children for failure and are completely unaware. At some point we have to launch the arrow into its target destiny.
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The Democracy Of A Family
November 30, 2009 · 2 Comments
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When I look at the biblical model of a family I see a type of monarchy. The word monarchy means that there is a king who sovereignly rules over a territory. The word sovereign means final authority or the right to rule. So those of us who follow Christ have a different view of what a family ought to look like because our model is not that of a democracy. A democracy is a territory ruled by the people where the ruler is voted in or out.
The problem with a democratic family is that there is no set leader because that leader is only a leader while the people are happy. The moment that the people aren’t happy the leader is voted out and a different direction is taken. This becomes confusing at best and the direction and vision for this type of family is never clearly defined as the boundaries change with the will of the people. God never designed a family to be a democracy. It’s a dangerous and often destructive concept.
I blog about this today because I see very weary parents who don’t want to be parents and I see many children with no direction other than to head opposite of where their parents are going or directing. Mostly parents are just lost on what to do and the world is telling them that they don’t have to do anything. Parents throw their hands up in desperation because they don’t know what to do and everyone in the family loses out on what can and should be a beautiful life. This all happens when we don’t follow a biblical model of what it means to parent.
It’s a pretty easy system, the biblical example of parenting, and it’s practical and wise. God is pretty clear on how we are supposed to raise our children and he even gives us good parenting examples and bad parenting examples to learn from. It is pretty clear though that God isn’t about democratic parenting. See in a monarchy there is a king. The children of the king will never be kings or queens in their father’s house until one of two things happen. Either the king dies or he retires. The children of the king are prince and princesses in their father’s home. I can see a model of this in the royal family of England where Queen Elizabeth is the head of the family and her son Charles is first in line to the throne. He is not king but rather prince. Prince William is also in line to the throne and as such we’ve watched him as he is groomed in every protocol to do with inheriting the throne some day. The only way for Prince Charles to become king is to conquer a territory and put him in place. Prince Charles however is never going to be king in his mother’s home. A monarchy is not designed that way. He can never vote her out and she has the final say so. He can have an opinion but it’s ultimately her decision on what is done.
This is how we need to train our children. We need to train them up to one day inherit their own kingdom. A prince who is not taught the principles of being a king will never be effective or self sufficient (sovereign). If a king is given a throne but can’t sustain it he will be overthrown. He will have two options at that point. He will have to return to his father’s kingdom and stay a prince or his father will have to overthrow a kingdom and support his son’s false sense of sovereignty.
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It’s How You Look At It
November 30, 2009 · 1 Comment
When Larry King was interviewing Bishop T.D. Jakes he said that some had accused Bishop Jakes of being a Hope Peddler. Bishop Jakes said it was a compliment. I agree. We need hope. The bible says Hope deferred makes a heart sick. I believe that.
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No One Can Influence His Opinion Of Me
November 29, 2009 · 1 Comment
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God knows me. The bible says God knows my innermost being. Think about that for a moment and let it sink in. There is nothing that is hidden from him. I am a clear picture to him.
Since that is a fact, when prayers go up to him about me from others, he knows how to discern the truth from the lie. Remember this; a lie can never stand against the truth. Because he knows me, his opinion of me doesn’t sway by words, they sway by action.
When looking for that man who is going to share your life make sure he knows who you are. This means that you can’t pretend you are someone you aren’t. This means you have to be authentic and not a woman who flips from opinion to opinion for the only way your man truly knows you is if you are balanced and authentic. Not synthetic in your attitude and appearance. This takes time. The two of you must get to know each other well! You can’t have a solid opinion about what you think you know. You gotta know you know. This means his friends can’t tell him who you are, it means his mom can’t tell him who you are, it means he has to find out for himself who you are. He has to know you so well that he knows your motivation for why you do what you do.
Take your time and build a relationship. Don’t rush, just take is slow and steady. I can pretend to be anyone for a season. But eventually the real me pops out. It’s in that moment of seeing the real you that the opinion is formed. No one can influence God’s opinion of me because he knows why I do what I do. The man in your life should also know, without doubt, who you are.
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Synthetic
November 27, 2009 · 1 Comment
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Synthetic: not natural or genuine; artificial or contrived:
We’ve all seen the American Idol try-outs and all of the other reality shows like America’s Got Talent, So You Think You Can Dance etc… We’ve seen some great talent and we’ve some people that leave you wondering, “What were they thinking?”
The ones that crack me up are the ones where their parents yell at the judges for being idiots because they didn’t acknowledge their child’s talent. I know we all think our kids are wonderful. We all think our kids are the best looking and best at everything but it simply isn’t reality is it? There are talents your child has that mine never will. That has to be okay with me. My children can’t be great at everything. Giving them a false sense of who they are doesn’t help them either. We set them up to fail. We over-inflate their egos and then when real life hits they can’t cope.
A couple of years ago I watched a season of American Idol like someone who watches a train wreck. My heart went out to one contestant, Sanjaya, because he seemed like a nice kid but he didn’t sing anywhere on the same level as the others. He became a joke to the world that was very cruel to him berating his singing. Then there was the Internet site that was dedicated to voting for the worst singer and he kept winning. But it was synthetic because it could not be sustained. When he finally lost, it broke his heart. You could see it and your heart really went out to him. His 15 minutes of fame were over but it came with a cost to him personally.
It’s the same thing that we are seeing with young Hollywood today. Most of them have been pumped up synthetically that they can’t handle life. So they are drinking and driving and going to rehab and flipping out and it’s all because they see themselves in a pseudo reality. They think they can walk on water without help. It’s not just Hollywood it seems to be pervasive throughout society. Around the Sanjaya time frame there were the Barbie Bandits who robbed a bank and went on a shopping trip is a great example of a synthetic self image. One of their mothers said that they didn’t deserve to go to jail because they were good girls. Do good girls rob banks to have shopping money? What if the teller had been ill with a weak heart? What if there had been a shoot-out? There are so many scenarios that they didn’t care about or didn’t weigh, in either case it’s still deserves jail time.
Synthetic is not real. It has no substance that you can build on. So instead we pump up the plastic. But what happens to plastic when you turn up the heat? It melts and as it does it molds into different shapes getting smaller and smaller. It ends up nothing but a small piece of nothing it resembled in the first place.
In life you win some and you lose some and you get up either way and keep moving forward. There is nothing sadder than a person who lives out the rest of his life in his past glory trying to recapture that win again. Instead, God says we move from glory to glory. Sadder still is the person who is stuck in his loss and refuses to try again.
There is a real life with real pitfalls and real successes. We need to remember that even our kids have to follow rules because that is authentic. He understands that true winners are hard workers who have learned strategy and who play within the guidelines set before them. Synthetic winners are only winners when the environment is manipulated falsely and you are able to keep the temperature ambient. Eventually things in your arena heat up and the meltdown begins. Learn to be authentic. That is something that stands no matter the circumstance.
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Thanks Living
November 26, 2009 · 1 Comment
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I want to wish every a Happy Thanksgiving! Today I am grateful for the these people:
Jesus- The God man made flesh who walked the earth setting the example. Go back and read about his compassion and his tireless work, it will really touch your heart. Jesus was a teacher who loved the synagogue and loved people. What an example for me to follow. He never saw appearance he only saw condition. I aspire to be that for my generation.
My Mom- If anyone ever believed in her children she does. My mom tends to be negative about most things and pretty opinionated, but one thing is for sure, she believes we are the greatest gift to this generation. Even when she’s disappointed in us, she will find something worth hanging onto. She thinks this blog is the smartest thing on the Internet, she thinks I am her best gift ever and she is my biggest cheerleader. Even when we are on total opposite sides of a issue she puts up with me. She is someone I can count on and I more often than not, take her SO for granted.
Anthony- My kids are my blessing from God. Anthony is pure love. He is such a good man. I see him now with his girlfriend and he speaks so well of her and how he looks after his sister and how he checks in with me, his mom! What a gift God gave me when he allowed me to be Ant’s mom.
Cassandra Allyse- Sassy, smart and outgoing she is so independent. I love who she is becoming. She is her mother’s daughter in a lot of ways. She works too much, she loves deep, she has her own opinions. We are at a place where there are things I can say and things that she doesn’t want to hear from me but nevertheless, we love each other, we frustrate each other, we misunderstand each other and then we need each other. She is a great daughter and she has been fun to raise.
Doug – When he smiles at me it’s all over. Doug is kind beyond anyone I’ve ever known. Doug sees everything that is right with people, an ability I will never have, ever no matter how long I live. Doug has the ability to forgive and forget and leave the past behind him on most things. He’s not perfect by any means but he’s pretty darn close.
Lauren- Technically Lauren is my stepdaughter but I don’t see her that way. She’s my kid. We didn’t always see eye to eye and sometimes we still don’t but I have great hope for her. With a year and a half of high school to go, she is having to step things up. I know she will do great things with her life. Behind the tough sarcastic exterior that she pretends to show, she’s pretty caring. Just don’t tell anyone.
Charles Anthony- the cactus of the bunch, he is my stepson. He is the one whom the Lord uses to refine me. ‘Nuff said.
Lulu- the wonder dog. Lu has a story that touches my heart. She came to me at a time when I really needed someone to take care of and love. She sleeps right next to me as I type this. She is with me when I speak to God, so she knows all of my cares and secrets and she doesn’t judge me for it. She just sighs, puts her chin on my knee and looks into my eyes. She is my lovey honey precious girl.
Oasis- my church. Not the building the people in it. We are a family and I’m so glad!
My friends- Some are old, some are new and all are loved. I especially love the ones with whom I can trust to tell me the truth. Everyone needs those people in their life and I am grateful for them.
My Country-I’m really glad to be American. If you’ve ever traveled, even a bit, you will find that you were born hitting a home run to be born and raised in this country.
Most days I feel like God’s favorite kid. I love how he loves me and blesses me daily. I am grateful for health, for love, for family. Life is good and I am thankful. Let’s live Thanks Living lives! Happy Thanksgiving!
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Sirius Thoughts
November 25, 2009 · 1 Comment
Just a random happening -
Driving home from Fresno lsat night and there was nothing on the 200+ radio channels I have. I began channel surfing and hit a station called Highway which is country music. The title of the song intrigued me so I listened to the words. A song by Lee Ann Womack called There is A God. The next song was a song called Everyone Wants To Go To Heaven But Nobody Wants to Go Now by Kenny Chesney. The third song was called People Are Crazy about a guy in a bar who makes a toast, God is Great, beer is good and people are crazy. I hate the taste of beer but I had to agree God is great and people are crazy.
Sometimes it’s cool to switch the channel from the normal news and alternative rock and pop stations that are on my pre-sets and find something new. I don’t know why I found this fascinating last night. Country is not really my thing but at least they are mentioning God.
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Empty
November 25, 2009 · Leave a Comment
Your existence begins when you embrace emptiness.
In other words:
It was never about you!
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